Break for Life

Hello lovies! It's been a while. I decided it's time to share what I've been up to since taking a 3 months break but some probably didn't notice I was gone. But first, let me just say that I honestly wouldn't be sad to say goodbye to 2018!!  It's been one challenging year and a half. Many loses, unexpected changes, many revelations and to so many close to me including myself and to add to it all the disappointing and sad round the clock world news after another didn't help.

It was time. Time to hit the stop button. Time for a break. I recognize some of us aren't as fortunate to be able to take a breather but with spirits guidance, blessings and an amazing support group at work and home, I was able to take a desperately needed personal leave for 3 months.  It was a matter of life or death. Literally.

Mental health break is so necessary these days.  When I lost two parents within 7 months of one another coupled with all the emotional and mental stress of daily life, which would be manageable in some ordinary circumstances - it finally took it's toll on me. It started manifesting itself slowly in the physical, and mental form. When my dad died, I came back to work just two weeks later after traveling to Ethiopia to bury him. I mean this was my father, regardless of our estranged relationship. He died of a heart attack and had been battling Alzheimers and was only 75! My family and friends helped me get through it, so I thought I was okay and coping.  Then 6 months later, my mom suddenly passed away (this was a shock to me and an entire community was rocked) I thought my world collapsed. I couldn't breathe. She was my best friend and I just spoke to her the night before. I thought to myself "this can't be happening again"! So many thoughts were racing through my head. She was only 65!! She didn't get to see her grandson like we planned the month of her passing. This fucked me up all the way!!! She had drowned by accident in the tub. And so, once again - the ritual of burying another loved one began and then, three weeks later I went back to work.

Not recognizing the grieving symptoms in the beginning, I had thrown myself at work yet again and slowly began unraveling like never before. I was in pain, I was hurt, I was beyond vulnerable and suffered in silence....But I had a therapist, and had friends, well some. Side note:  let me tell you something, it's when you are down you'll know who really is your friend or not. And it's not pretty being taken advantage off when you are at your most vulnerable. This is another subject on its own, so I digress but I honestly thought I was fine so I put on a smile and trekked on. That's what we do! Strong black women - we trek on.   

My family, wife and friends all tried to be there the best they could and believe me, I am so blessed for the amazing support of EVERYONE that has been there for me every step of the way. But 4 months later, one day, I literally could not walk or stand. At the advice of my doctor, I was mandated to take some time off.  For the first time in my life, I had to focus on ME. It felt foreign but I knew if I didn't, the alternative wasn't an option.

For me, there are moments in life where there is values misalignment and I’m able to run towards that tension because I think I can be a part of the solution or help in some way. But this time, I along with my tribe of sisters had to remind me that our bodies [Black women’s especially] and our time are made for more than suffering — for more than enduring.

These past few months got me thinking, have we become so attuned to trying to meet the needs of others that we’ve convinced ourselves we don’t matter, that everything and everybody else comes first? Is this truly the self image we wish to model to and reflect for ourselves, our kids, family, co-workers?

Both kinds of “selfish” people have a skill that I admire; they know how to put themselves first! Their reasons are different, to be sure, and so goes the outcome of this behavior.

The fact is that those who take care of themselves – physically, emotionally and spiritually – will be better able to handle what life throws at them because they are striving to maintain a balanced and healthy life. Period. This is the best case scenario. Those of us who do not take care of ourselves, because there is always something more to be done for someone else, are headed for the physical, emotional and spiritual quicksand like I did. Once there, some of us will not be able to return. And then there are those who only take care of themselves. Enough said.

I have come to learn it's the gift that no one else can give. Caring for one’s self is the one gift only you can give to you. No one else can give it. They can show you how it’s done; they can guide you, but they cannot bestow it upon you. That has to come from within. You must believe that you are important, worth it and deserving of it. Can I get an amen?

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you are special too.” Ernest Hemmingway wrote in Men Without Women. 

We teach people how to treat us by our own actions and attitude toward ourselves. By putting signs out there that you are a rescuer and will sacrifice yourself to help others, you attract people who want to be rescued and for whom it has to be all about them—doesn't seem like a balanced relationship now does it?

Seriously though, this challenged me to interrogate the ways in which I have acclimated to loving the people in my life and the way I worked toward a successful career and how that affects my well being.  Its not just about the personal. Black women especially get a lot of messages about how hard we are supposed to work to have value in this society. We are often prompted to work well beyond what any human can sustain. Shaking off that oppressive mythology, leading with equal parts power and love, requires daily vigilance because it’s counter culture.

Leadership and success are not uniform and society certainly doesn’t account for the diversity of lived experiences, race, ethnicity, or the other dimensions of one’s identity that inform how one leads and what it means to “show up" at work or at home. 

Regardless of how you talk, think, or look, recognize that the time you spend nurturing yourself is not a luxury. Don’t exhaust yourself into illness before you prioritize self-care. Or if you have already done that, do your best to forgive yourself and build a new set of habits. Value yourself enough to know that you, your ideas, and your inspirations are like the earth...precious and finite, so restore and protect your wellness and wellbeing. Self-care is not only for women with disposable income or leisure time, it’s for all of US. In other words, don't believe the hype.

I see self-care as a continuum that spans from the individual to the collective…a sense of ubuntu (often translated as “I am because we are”) which lifts up the interdependence between people as we make our way through the world. All parts of the continuum are not equal: in order for me to fill anyone else’s cup, I have to ensure that there is something to pour from my cup. If I run myself ragged then that’s not possible.

In the last 3 months, 12 weeks, 90 days, 2160 hours, I committed myself to my wellness ecology (it wasn't always easy). It started with logging out of work emails and not checking it til I returned. Ok - I checked today to see how many emails I got for the sake of this story. 5560 unread emails in my inbox!!  I committed to getting off social media until now and quiet frankly realized I missed good old fashioned communication. It gave me insight that significance of the relationships we have with others is measured not by the number of contacts or likes that we have, but the strength of connection that we experience when you do connect. I went outside daily not including my physical therapy appointments or to run errands, I painted the apartment, painted a canvas, dusted my camera to explore LA from a different lens, spent lots of time with family, lots of time with friends, traveled when I can, spent time reading, sleeping, just mindfully living.

I can say without a shadow of the doubt, I'm not the same person nor do I want to go back to my old routines.  I feel lighter, free, stronger and on days when I feel like curling up in a ball and crying because I miss my mom or life just got a bit challenging, I have all I need not to just cope but grow. Albeit, for those of us who care so deeply about others to the point we forget about our own well being, we can slightly be challenged in the coping department.

But I wouldn't change this growth and learned experience for anything. In fact, my mom's death has brought me and my family closer. Eli and Nikki were introduced to family members they had never met before. A blessing emerged from a terrible tragedy.

But most importantly, I have a different appreciation for life.  Life turned on a dime for me and I know that it can again.  I try to savor the experiences and people who are part of my present moments as much as possible.  I know that death can summon me or my loved ones at anytime; I use that knowledge to live a better life where I can be of service to others.  I also view the passage of time differently.  I used to think that time heals all wounds, but today I believe otherwise.   I will never be totally healed as a result of my struggle with my mom's death, nor will my world ever return to the way it was when Aster was alive.   

Today, the passage of time has and will continue to redefine who I am as a person, and how I view the world around me.  The person who I am today is in many ways wiser, more empathic and more resilient than the person I was before my parents death.   I will always be a work in progress...... 

And I am excited for the new adventures, challenging lessons, and prosperity 2019 will bring me in a new space! For those of you struggling - know you are not alone.  Just remember, there is always someone whose story will mirror yours. 

Happy Holidays and New Year Lovies!  Live your best lives and may all your dreams come true!