Restful Soul On the Run

Over the weekend, I took some much needed time to sleep, meditate and reflect. Lately, I’ve been frustrated and overwhelmed with logistics and being in this "in-between space" (the story of my life). I’ve been feeling like logic and decisions are ruling my life, like the necessity to plan EVERYTHING, to structure EVERY DAY, to make CHOICES. It’s a very tightening feeling (literally). Juggling life is an artform - and doing it with grace is even more challenging. In my solitude, I had a few revelations, as Oprah likes to say....... “aha” moment. What if we learned to stop demanding perfection of ourselves? What if we simply didn't try to force ourselves to make choices and try to have it "all". Maybe we would be able to keep ourselves from being our own worst enemy. But what does "having it all" even mean? A mode of transportation that reliably gets you to work or a driver who will whisk you from your house to the board meeting? Does it mean never feeling stress or guilt? Does it mean feeling satisfied all the time? Does it mean having your cake and eating it too? Wait - stop right there..... Isn't that what you're suppose to do with cake? I never understood that idiomatic proverb "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I beg your pardon but who in their right mind wouldn't want to have their cake AND eat it - I know I would, just saying. Standards are perceptions based on observation, not reality. It has been said in some mythical, traditions that the sense of choice really only comes up when we are unclear. Consider the fact that normally we flow along, readily responding to all sorts of life-situations without any heavy sense of obstacles, and without needing to get “guidance” on making the numerous, actually countless, choices each day. The sense of choice only arises when we’re not clear about which course to take - and we begin to vacillate between “options.” A perfectly enlightened sage is always (or at least most of the time) getting clear guidance as to which course to take to benefit sentient beings in the most profound way possible for the situation or are they?. I surmise that even the sages are sometimes thrown a curveball in terms of being served with situations that require a decision and the evidence is not clear as to which course to take. Perhaps its Divine Will that none of this bring forth any kind of clear guidance. It seems to me, that sometimes even great sages or saints can be “bedeviled” by certain confusing situations for which there does not seem or have to be one (singular) choice. So sometimes just floating along in literal "unknowing bewilderment" is part of our Divinely-destined karma for that period of time. Perhaps an answer to the particular conundrum will finally come. And perhaps it won’t (at least anytime soon) and that's okay! What I do know for sure is that we’re all human. We’re all trying our best. But ultimately, people want to be happy, and all the other things we do want - are typically meant to be a means to that end. Living a happy life isn't about people's opinions, its about how comfortable you are with putting judgments aside and being ok with your decisions or lackthereof. Whatever those decisions are, be it love, career, money - because life comes in segments but it is also magical and we ARE meant to experience the human condition of dissatifaction and yearning. Through this we are constantly learning and evolving until we die. And we will die one day - and that’s okay but we’re smack in the middle of a mystery. Sure, life is challenging, it’s full of uncertainty; but we have to step up to it. We dig ourselves in, we dig ourselves out, and the thing that keeps you going is this glowing reminder that we’re alive and we are in it together, no matter how lonely it might feel sometimes. I do believe that having it "all" IS possible - perhaps not all at once and as long as perfection is not the goal. So, cheers to making decisions, whether good, bad or indifferent or not making them at all.